1 in 300 million are the odds of winning this week’s Powerball – slightly higher than being struck by lightning while getting eaten by sharks.
Bottom line, I think you’re going to win. So I’ve taken it upon myself to put together a list for you and tell you exactly how to spend that $$$.
Huge shout out to Joan.
Step 1: commission 400 identical Drake look-alikes.
Step 2: rent out the Drake Hotel in Chicago.
Step 3: party with Drakes.
It is said that staring at this art piece for more than 12 seconds will make your foot explode. If you get to 27 seconds, it is said to answer why we exist.
Stefan Sideways Hotel Door Thingy
2016 Paint on microsoft
247 x 148 pixels
One thing you should definitely do with all of your money is start a business. There’s a huge market out there for people who love hip hop AND mindfulness. So you should have Morgan Freeman read through all of Ye’s best lyrics in his soft, soothing, perfectly paced voice.
Imagine Morgan gently reading the following:
I drink a Boost for breakfast, and Ensure for dessert. Somebody ordered pancakes I just sip the sizzurp. That right there could drive a sane man bizzerk. Not to worry y'all Mr. H 2 the Izzo's back to wizzerk.
Commission chef Anthony Bourdain to cook a feast of a meal for the homeless shelter in Lower East Side, New York.
Invite your best friends on an epic trip. If they accept, here’s what’s going down:
Brian Shaw shows up at your work and easily picks you up like a baby. He takes the elevator down and people stare. You smile. Brian then puts you in a black SUV where someone places Sennheiser Orpheus headphones over your ears. That someone is Dr. Dot, and she gives you the best massage you’ve ever had in your life. Once she’s finished you’re handed a Platinum Passion Juice from the Duvet Lounge. It’s fantastic.
You’re now outside of a private jet and feeling good. You get on the plane and there’s a hot tub waiting for you with a pair of Pistol Pete glow in the dark swim trunks & a note that says “hey asshole, put these on”.
You slip on those puppies and relax in the bubbling water. You’re so relaxed and don’t notice it but the lights turn off and Jack Johnson is sitting on a stool with his acoustic guitar. He starts playing "Bubbly Toes” along with other supurb hits. Now it’s just you, your glowing Pistol Pete trunks, and mister Johnson. You put cucumbers over your eyes.
Once you land on a private island you see a 1983 red Ferrari Testarossa with a note that says “Hey peniswrinkle, drive this”. You must be the last one to show up. You fire up the engine and the GPS directs. Waiting are your best friends in the world at a poker table on the rooftop. Someone hands you a cigar and a dirty martini made with G-spirits vodka, and you say something stupid like “hollies cause we bangies, son!”.
You’re all terrible at poker, but the first place prize is a black Ulysse Nardin Triplejack Minute Repeater. You lose, but everyone gets a black Ulysse Nardin Triplejack Minute Repeater anyway. Pregame is starting, the guests are coming over in 3 hours. Time to get ready.
You go to your private bathroom and there are Gold Pills in a box next to the sink. The note says “hey sonofabitch, eat these”. You soon find out it makes you literally shit gold. After your amazing sauna shower and golden number two, you put on a custom tailored Tom Ford suit, with a hand-written note from Tom himself. It says “you’ll like the way you look, I guarantee it.”